5 Tips On How To Tell Your Truth Without Hurting The Loved One
Do we have the deep habit of hiding our truths so as not to be hurt by the judgment of others?
In a relationship with the people we love, it has been said that the truth hurts, and yet the opposite is true.
There is no truth that is too hurtful, and no lie that is harmless.
Whenever you say your feelings, you open your heart to someone, and every time you lie, even a little, you move away from each other.
But where does this belief come from that the truth is not good to say?
Is it really the truth that hurts the other or the way we say it?
1. You can not express your truth if you are afraid of the reaction of the other!
The truth is not what I do, but what I am. And what I am is what I feel every moment.
When I was a child, I often expressed my feelings to my parents about what I liked or did not like.
Without realizing it, they contradicted me by denying my feelings or judging me and accusing me of my actions continually.
Even when I did nothing!
My parents forced me to accept their answers and orders with fear and guilt, without question, as if they knew what was good for me, despite the pain I felt.
How could a thing be bad when I felt good? How could a thing be good when I felt bad?
I was afraid of their reaction because I did not want to be hurt.
2. We lie so as not to be judged
I only had to lie to avoid the pain of being punished and not loved by my parents.
To deny my truths and accept those of my parents, who were also truths they had denied or lied to by the same habits I learned.
So I repressed my feelings, my truths and forget them forever. Just like my parents.
Forget part of me, of my being, my nature and become a copy, become the product of others.
Can we see where this deep belief comes from that all truth is not good to say?
I grew up, without realizing it, with the fear of my parents’ reaction and projected this fear into all my relationships.
3. These are the charges that hurt the other
It is not the truth that hurts, but the way of saying it, which makes the other feel guilty.
When the other tells you or did something that hurt your soul, made you feel bad, do you usually react by attacking it with judgments and accusations?
Is not this a form of verbal abuse?
To judge or to accuse the other is not to tell your truth, it is to conceal it in order to control it to satisfy your selfish desires, for you are afraid of losing something essential to your happiness.
In this kind of situation, there is the habit of seeing the other as an opponent and the other also sees you as an opponent.
But when one person does not see the other as an adversary, then peace and harmony are possible.
4. Your expressed truth does not hurt the other
We do not control the reaction of others, but only our reaction. Thus, people will tell us things that can hurt us until the day when our reaction will be notified and never be hurt again.
So, how to tell our truth without hurting others, without creating more conflicts?
In my adult life, I have often had the habit of never telling my feelings to others, because without realizing it, I had this fear since my childhood.
When I was in pain, I reacted by saying what the other had done to me and said that it was not good.
For example :
- Why do you tell me that?
- You do not pay attention to what you do.
- You should do this if you want our relationship to work well.
- lack courtesy.
- When will you stop accusing me?
- You are tiring.
All this does not express my truth … but the cache.
Today, I react differently by saying softly, but fully, my feeling and then asking a question to make the other think about finding a solution to be good.
I leave the freedom to the other to make a choice, I do not try to control it in order to change it.
For example :
- do not feel well when you tell me that, do you have an idea how to make me feel a little better?
- I feel bad when you do this to me, do you have a way how to make me feel good?
- do not like your accusations that hurt me, do you have an idea how to heal my wounds?
I keep asking the question until the other understands that this is the only way out of our discussion.
I will not argue with others to be right and made him wrong. This is a lesser choice.
If the other has no idea, then he will ask me a question if I have one … So, I get his permission and he is able to listen.
I simply answer, that the statements prevent you from understanding and loving each other, but that the questions work instead, what do you think?
5. Where does the habit of believing that the truth is good to say?
You thought your parents knew your truth, but that’s not true. What is good for your parents is not necessarily good for you in your feelings.
I was educated to be up to it, to want to be better, but when I had an uncomfortable feeling in myself, I did not accept that feeling because I thought I was bigger than that.
I could not change anything, it was like that, no matter how big.
The more I “controlled my emotions” in front of others, and the more I repressed my truths, my feelings by this fear of others.
I hid my truths to be up to the point, to look good, but without realizing it, I built a deep habit of forgetting them, of forgetting part of me, of forgetting my nature.
What matters is to tell our truth, to say how we feel, without trying to change the other, but to think about his last words or actions.
Change begins in consciousness, in freedom of choice, and not in judgment without choice.